Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Having a Clean Colon

Disclaimer: The story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Parental discretion is advised. Yeah, this is where I talk shit, be forewarned. Don't read it and complain to me later.... BTW, if I use "I," "Me," or "My," in this story, I really mean "My friend."

You've heard the commercials on the radio or TV. You've heard the hype. You even admit that it all makes sense. After all, food is processed in your colon, and anything that prevents, aggravates, or delays that process, can affect you in many ways. Everyone should clean their colons!

So here's the premise. Some people have died, and during an autopsy, undigested foods of upwards of 40 pounds were found inside their colon. Heck, I heard that a loooooooong time ago when John Wayne died. It was rumored that he had over 40 pounds of undigested meat still in his colon. Wow! That could feed me for 2 months.

They say that food can also harden like plaque on artery walls and cause problems too. The food you eat is digested and broken down in your stomach, then sent through your colon, where all of the nutrients are absorbed by the body. If there's "plaque" on the walls of your colon, the nutrients will not be absorbed. And it will will not be turned into "waste" properly.

They say how your "waste" comes out of you is also telling of how well your colon is working. To put it simply, in "Caddyshack" terms, you should have Snickers bars, not M&M's with peanuts, or chocolate milk coming out of you.

I'll buy that. It makes sense.

There's even have a website where a particular product has pictures of "What the hell is that, and how did it come out of my butt!" testimonials. Yes, things that look like the seaweed you find floating at the ocean by the beach, all lined up and looking like, "Hey, you don't want THIS inside you, do you?"

All of these manufacturers, promise you many things if you use their product. "Get a flatter stomach." "Lose weight." "Have more energy." "Feel less bloated." "Be healthier."

Well DAMN! Those are all the things "I" NEED! So my first thought was, what kind of brush do you use? Oh, um, er, .................... pills or a powder? That's MUCH better. But now what? There are so many products............. which one is the best? The ones where you fast too? Oh, HELL NO! I ain't gonna fast! Do I look like Ghandi to you?

I chose "Bowtrol." Why? It's free. Well, for $6.95 for shipping charges, and you're put on an automatic delivery system that if you don't cancel in time, you will be charged for your next bottle automatically. Damn, not only am I all of those things, I'm cheap too. My colon seems to be controlling my wallet.

For $6.95, you get one bottle of Bowtrol Colon Cleaner, which is full of natural herbs and who knows what else, that helps you get rid of anything in your colon that shouldn't be there, even parasites. What kind of parasites? Tapeworms, I guess. Three pills are recommended to be taken before you go to bed for no more than 14 days. Then you wait 14 days and do another 14 days. Easy enough. And you get 100 pills, so you can do those 4 weeks total. I believe it recommends that you do this on again off again treatment for as long as you live. I don't think I'll do that.

You also get one bottle of Bowtrol Probiotics. Probiotics are these biotics that are good for you. Yeah, see how smart that sounded? Well, it's basically stuff that lives in your colon that helps you absorb all of the nutrients. These biotics can be killed by Anti-biotics that you take to fight infections when you are sick. All of that penecyllin you've taken has probably killed of all of your natural biotics. Don't worry too much, those "Active Yogurt Cultures" in Yogurt is the same thing. You only have to take one pill every morning on an empty stomach. Still easy.

Well, I will update this later when I'm completely finished with my "Cleanse." So check in one week from now to hear about how I feel after 14 days. So far, not much has changed. Wait a minute..............

Monday, February 9, 2009


Gosh, I can remember when you had to buy tickets to any event at the place the event was being held. Going to the Dodger game? You had to go to Dodger Stadium to get tickets. Now that wasn't too bad, you could buy tickets in advance to any game.

But Concerts were another story. When your favorite Musical act announced that they were going to have a Concert Tour, you'd check and see when tickets would go on sale in your area. The tickets would normally go on sale on a weekend, and you'd drive to the Venue and line up with everyone else who wanted to see the same concert. Some would get there early and sleep overnight on the sidewalk, much like people who wait in line for after Christmas sales.

Oh the good old days when Frank Sinatra...... I mean, Elvis Presley........... um, the Beatles........ er, the Eagles............ MC Hammer, B-52's, hmmmmmmm Coldplay! Yeah, um that's it...... I remember how long the lines were, and finally getting to the front of the line, only to get seats waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in the back row.

Then, with the invention of the computer and Al Gore's invention of the Internet, you were able to buy tickets from Ticketmaster at multiple locations across any City/State, usually inside May Company or Wherehouse stores. Um, May Company was a Department store, in it's own separate building, malls were not invented. The Wherehouse was a record store. Um, a record was like a CD, but........... oh, never mind.

This was a great idea! So convenient! And your chances of getting decent seats was much better, even though I still ended up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in the back.

Then BAM! You didn't have to go anywhere! You could buy tickets online! Wow! All you had to do was sit at home in your underwear and buy tickets. And if you had Internet service with fast speeds, whoa, now you were more likely to get good seats! Finally, now that I'm old enough to hate LOUD music, I can be right there, next to the speakers! WHAT?

But as almost everything, good things don't last forever. Ticketmaster started adding surcharges. There's a "Convenience" charge, and a "Building Facility" charge. What's that? Who knows. Some charges are for shipping the tickets to you, which I can understand. I mean, if you're desperate enough to want the tickets sent to you in 2 days, you can pay $19.50 for UPS 2 Business morning shipping. At least Standard shipping is free.

But there's "Retail Location" pick-up for $1.00. Wait, I drive to your store, spend money on gas, and wear and tear on my car, and pay for parking to pick up my tickets, and I have to pay you $1.00 for, for........... for what?

And the even more ridiculous, "TicketFast Now" for $2.50. "TicketFast Now," is when they e-mail you a printable ticket that you use to gain entrance into the venue. That's right, you heard me right. You use your own printer, paper, and ink, and pay THEM $2.50!

So there I was, trying to buy concert tickets to see Bruce Springsteen. I have gone to just about every concert he's held since the early 80's, when I was a........... a........... an infant. I had 2 tickets and then the "Sorry, We were unable to process your order" page came up. Huh? I did everything right. I've been signed up with Ticketmaster for years, and had an account with them, so I didn't have to input any information. But it canceled my order. Then the concert sold out. I was unable to buy tickets. Nooooooooooooooooo!

Something was odd though. The tickets that were available to me were in the Upper deck, Concourse level. I was on it right away, I should have gotten better seats.

Then I saw it. Something called "Tickets Now." It is a separate website by Tcketmaster that allows people who bought tickets to any event, to re-sell their tickets, just like Stub Hub. AND tickets for Springsteen's concert was available immediately. Can you say "Scalper?" Was my eyes seeing it right? It looked to me like Ticketmaster was Scalping tickets that they were selling for regular price, just a few seconds ago.

Can you say, "WTF?"

There was only one date for the concert, and I felt out of luck. Then came the announcement that a second concert would be scheduled. Okay, I get a second chance. This time, it was going to be different. WHAT! Almost the same thing. But I didn't get bounced. The tickets available to me were once again, in the Upper Concourse level. I was on it right away, was it sold out again? No, not as fast. No matter how many times I tried, I got offered only Concourse level seats. Whether I chose 1, 2, 4, or 6 tickets, I got only Concourse level. I didn't buy any.

I talked to another friend who also bought tickets. Although she got decent seats, she too was offered tickets to the same area over and over, Second level, behind the stage. How could we have the same experience? Getting offered seats ONLY in one general area? Something is fishy! I guess somehow it can be programed into the system, that you can get certain seats and not others, but why would they do that? And is it worth it to them? Maybe so that they could get the good seats for themselves so that they could Scalp them on their other site?

The last few concerts I went to, people were scalping tickets at face value to seats that were better than the ones I had in my hand. I'm pretty sure I will get to see my favorite Artist scream sing his songs, so I'm okay with not having the tickets right now.

But this worries me for the next time I buy tickets to other things. Will I get a fair chance to buy decent seats? Will I get bounced again?

Live Nation, a Concert promoter, was starting their own ticket selling service, and it was great news to me. Finally, Ticketmaster would have competition. Competition usually means prices go down, and service gets better.

Just this past week, it was announced that Ticketmaster was trying to buy Live Nation. Damn! What's next?

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Just Another Friday Night

The initials "DD" can stand for anything. But in certain situations, it can mean the difference between life and death. Yes, two letters, each initial for two different words, can have a direct impact on your life.

Let's say that it's a Friday night, or any night for that matter. You are out with your friends, maybe a double date, 2 guys and 2 girls. Where do you go? Movie? Dinner? Clubbing? Maybe all?

Let's say you go clubbing, and you have a good time. You leave after Midnight to go home. All 4 of you get in the car and while driving home, you re-live your night, talking about what fun you had. Sound familiar? We've ALL been there.

But then, those initials come to play. In a split second, things have changed. Now, you're upside down, surrounded by Police/CHP, the Fire Dept and Paramedics. All 4 of you end up in the hospital, with "21" stamped on your hands from clubbing. One or more of you will never get "22" stamped on your hand.

Yes, that happened last night. One girl, young enough to get carded and stamped "21"will never be heard from again. And all because she didn't recognize what "DD" stood for.

There is a big difference. If it ever happens to you, will you recognize it? Before you get in a car, look to see if you have a "Designated Driver" or a "Drunk Driver."

We've all heard the term, maybe even made fun of it. But I bet those 3 people are now thinking about what "Designated Driver" means to them now.

It means 4 people would be waking up in their own beds this morning. It means that one person will not be waking up in the Hospital ward of LA County Jail. It means that one family will not be devastated after waking up at 2 in the morning to the worst news they ever heard.

Do you ever want to hear, "This is the Hospital, your son/daughter/brother/sister has been in an accident, you need to come here right away." Or, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but............."

Remember, don't drink and drive, be the Designated Driver. But also remember, don't ride with a drunk driver. You have a choice, we all do. Sometimes they don't make any difference at all. It's the one time it does that's a killer.

BTW, the 3 who were alive and speaking, were not "wasted." All 3 spoke without slurring their words. And all 3 were wearing their seatbelts.