Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Having a Clean Colon

Disclaimer: The story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Parental discretion is advised. Yeah, this is where I talk shit, be forewarned. Don't read it and complain to me later.... BTW, if I use "I," "Me," or "My," in this story, I really mean "My friend."

You've heard the commercials on the radio or TV. You've heard the hype. You even admit that it all makes sense. After all, food is processed in your colon, and anything that prevents, aggravates, or delays that process, can affect you in many ways. Everyone should clean their colons!

So here's the premise. Some people have died, and during an autopsy, undigested foods of upwards of 40 pounds were found inside their colon. Heck, I heard that a loooooooong time ago when John Wayne died. It was rumored that he had over 40 pounds of undigested meat still in his colon. Wow! That could feed me for 2 months.

They say that food can also harden like plaque on artery walls and cause problems too. The food you eat is digested and broken down in your stomach, then sent through your colon, where all of the nutrients are absorbed by the body. If there's "plaque" on the walls of your colon, the nutrients will not be absorbed. And it will will not be turned into "waste" properly.

They say how your "waste" comes out of you is also telling of how well your colon is working. To put it simply, in "Caddyshack" terms, you should have Snickers bars, not M&M's with peanuts, or chocolate milk coming out of you.

I'll buy that. It makes sense.

There's even have a website where a particular product has pictures of "What the hell is that, and how did it come out of my butt!" testimonials. Yes, things that look like the seaweed you find floating at the ocean by the beach, all lined up and looking like, "Hey, you don't want THIS inside you, do you?"

All of these manufacturers, promise you many things if you use their product. "Get a flatter stomach." "Lose weight." "Have more energy." "Feel less bloated." "Be healthier."

Well DAMN! Those are all the things "I" NEED! So my first thought was, what kind of brush do you use? Oh, um, er, .................... pills or a powder? That's MUCH better. But now what? There are so many products............. which one is the best? The ones where you fast too? Oh, HELL NO! I ain't gonna fast! Do I look like Ghandi to you?

I chose "Bowtrol." Why? It's free. Well, for $6.95 for shipping charges, and you're put on an automatic delivery system that if you don't cancel in time, you will be charged for your next bottle automatically. Damn, not only am I all of those things, I'm cheap too. My colon seems to be controlling my wallet.

For $6.95, you get one bottle of Bowtrol Colon Cleaner, which is full of natural herbs and who knows what else, that helps you get rid of anything in your colon that shouldn't be there, even parasites. What kind of parasites? Tapeworms, I guess. Three pills are recommended to be taken before you go to bed for no more than 14 days. Then you wait 14 days and do another 14 days. Easy enough. And you get 100 pills, so you can do those 4 weeks total. I believe it recommends that you do this on again off again treatment for as long as you live. I don't think I'll do that.

You also get one bottle of Bowtrol Probiotics. Probiotics are these biotics that are good for you. Yeah, see how smart that sounded? Well, it's basically stuff that lives in your colon that helps you absorb all of the nutrients. These biotics can be killed by Anti-biotics that you take to fight infections when you are sick. All of that penecyllin you've taken has probably killed of all of your natural biotics. Don't worry too much, those "Active Yogurt Cultures" in Yogurt is the same thing. You only have to take one pill every morning on an empty stomach. Still easy.

Well, I will update this later when I'm completely finished with my "Cleanse." So check in one week from now to hear about how I feel after 14 days. So far, not much has changed. Wait a minute..............


jjomomma said...


How's the colon?

Ninja said...

I'll ask "my friend," but I know he's not done with the program until April 2nd. Right now after 10 days, he doesn't feel thinner, or has a flatter stomach, but he does seem to be less lethargic.

skraggle said...

Either way, you'll still be full of shit.

Ninja said...

But, less full of shit....