Monday, December 29, 2008

How to Tell You're Getting OId............... er

There are many tell-tale signs that you are getting older. But one way is so universal, you may not have even noticed it.

It also involves the Universal language. What? No, not sex, and your inability to "do it" as you get older. Huh? Oh, NO, not me.........

It's music. Music can be placed in different categories. Rock, R&B, Hip Hop, Rap, Classical, Country........... But it has nothing to do with which type you listen to. No, that's not it. And some of today's music can be called a "phase," compared to some classic songs. I mean, there are some songs that can be played years later and it's still great. Some songs are just for today. But that's not it either.

Think about it, when you were young, the more bass your favorite music had, the better it was, and the louder you wanted that bass to be played. And the younger you are, the larger the Woofers have become. Yes, these speaker components that produce the bass sound have gotten bigger and bigger each year. Well, they may have stopped growing, but now you add more. I remember when 2 6 X 9 woofers were the big thing. Oh my, did I just date myself?

Today's music, played with these speakers with extra large multiple woofers, and Amplifiers to go with them, produce ear-drum shattering sound. You've heard it coming from cars, and/or parties, and everything seems to be shaking, as if there 's an earthquake. If you are young, you like this. If you are old, well...........

So I've come up with a chart to determine if you have become old:

Party with loud bass producing music:

Young = You are there, or want to be there.

Not so Young = You were not invited, but you don't care.

Old = It's keeping you awake, but eventually, you fall asleep.

Really Old = You call the Police on them. The earlier you call, the older you are.

Extremely Old = You can't hear them at all, or remember what is going on.

New Year's Eve parties are coming up. Where do you fit?

Friday, December 26, 2008

The 12 Days of Excess

On the 12 days of excess,
Eating desserts gave to me............

12 extra pounds,
11 more because I lied,
10 extra inches,
9 month pregnant looking,
8 years to lose it,
7 places to liposuction,
6 extra folds,
5 flabby rings,
4 tummies to tuck,
3 extra chins,
2 B-cup moobs,
And I've fallen and I can't get up.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Day 2008

Merry Christmas to my 2 readers. Hi Mom!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Watchin' Porn

We have been training Probationary Firefighters, "Boots," every year for as long as I can remember. Normally, there would only be one "Boot" per shift, and you'd get a one year break after one year of training these Rookies. But because of attrition, we have had 2 per shift, every year, for some time now. It has become a chore, teaching the same thing over and over, sometimes getting someone that "gets it," sometimes getting someone who you wonder, "How the hell did he get through the Drill Tower?"

Because of the amount of new trainees we have, I have been exposed to a lot of different people from different backgrounds. One of our latest was born and raised in Puerto Rico. He came here doing exhibitions on Roller Blades, eventually got married and somehow found a career in the Fire Service. Just as GWB has been fodder for Comedians, Mr Puerto Rico has given us much to remember.

Every Probationary Firefighter spends 4 months at 3 different Fire Stations during his 1 year Probationary period. At the end of each assignment, on your last shift, it is customary for all "Boots" to give a speech and Thank everyone. Mr PR Thanked everyone individually, even someone who he had never worked with before by saying, "I want to Thank FF 'Smith' for coming to work today....."

I didn't mention this before, but Mr PR has an accent. I said he was born in Puerto Rico, and though some do speak English there, he told us he learned English while here in the USA. So when it came to Thanking me, he said, "I want to thank Ninja for teaching me Watchin' Porn." A puzzled look came across everyone in the room. I was dumbfounded, and thought, "WTF!" Then came the questions, this one from the Captains, "Wait a minute, what did you just say?" I could see it now, fired for teaching the Rookie how to watch Porn at the Fire Station. There goes my stellar (HA!) career.

Captain: "Did you say "Watchin' Porn? Ninja taught you to watch Porn?"

Mr PR: "No, I said, Watchin' Porn."

Captain: "What do you mean?"

Mr PR" "You know, Watchin' Porn."

After hearing him say this one more time, we said, "OH! What's important."

Yes, that's it. I helped teach him what's important. Priorities. You have a hundred things to do, do what's important first, the rest can wait. That's what we deal with. Life or Death. The little things don't matter, it's what will kill you that does, or what will keep you alive. Same thing.

Whew! My career is saved. Time to watch Porn.............

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Responsible Censorship

There are many things that can be found on the Internet. Everything on it can be classified as "Information." But sometimes, some information should be kept to oneself, and not published. Some would consider this "Censorship." I would call it, "Responsible Journalism." In this case, because it is more in line with "Safety," I feel everyone should have the following information, so that they will not be killed, maimed or injured in any other way.

How to make a Pipe Bomb.

First, handle ALL material cautiously. Although the pipe itself is not dangerous, unless you drop it on your foot while barefoot, other ingredients may be volatile. Using the recipe I have listed at the end of this, place all items on a clean table.

Do NOT pre-mix the chemicals prior to assembling the pipe. This will allow the individual material that is "safe" by itself, to become explosive. Let me take a picture to show you what it would look like pre-mixed. Wait, I need to use Flash. *BOOM*