Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Future

The future is usually thought of as the day we have flying cars and jet packs. But the future can be any time from 1 second from now to forever from now. Some even say the future is not too far away, because the Mayan calendar "ends" on December 21, 2012, so that means it "predicts" the end of the world.

I don't believe that for one future second. The Mayans existed a very, very, very, extremely very long time ago. To make thousands upon thousands of "future" calendars must have been an immensely daunting task. So whoever made them just got tired and stopped. Think about it, they had to etch them in stone! They didn't have a computer and a printer available. I'd be tired after etching just one week in stone.

Well, tomorrow is my future. I will be one year older. Yeah, it's-a my birfday too.....

It's funny, how most everyone looks forward to their birthday. I don't anymore. Why? Because I'm not young anymore! So what, you say? Think about it. When you are young, you look forward to getting older. First, it's all about having a party with cake and ice cream, and presents. Then it's all about becoming Sixteen. Then it's all about becoming an adult at Eighteen. Then, even though you're already gotten plastered so many times you're lucky to have brain cells left, you look forward to becoming a "Legal" Adult at Twenty-one.

Then things change a little. You stop looking forward to a certain age. It starts to become about your goals in life. As you get older, you want to check off those "dreams" you had when you thought about your future.

Will you become an Astronaut? No, then how about having a decent job. Will you marry Prince/Princess Charming? No, then how about someone who you don't want to stab over and over again. Will you have wonderful children? No, then how about just not Juvenile delinquents like yourself?

You see, it becomes all about compromise.

Well, I'm past that. I'm into a whole 'nother phase.

I'm in the "Got nothing to look forward to" phase. No, I don't mean death. Death would be the relief of this second to last phase. I'm in the, "What's next?" phase.

Oh, STOP IT! Don't give me that, "You've got a lot to look forward to" crap.

Here's what I got to look forward to......... back pain....... creaking bones........ sore muscles from just moving....... arthritis........ hemorrhoids........ a..... a........ a prostrate exam! ugh! ........... maybe even *sob* ............ I don't want to say it......... Erectile dysfunction. *sounds of deflation*

That's my future. There's only two things left for an old man like me to possibly look forward to. One requires a lot of money, and one won't happen till I'm near death.

If I was rich, then I could have a young girlfriend. Yeah, so what if she's a gold-digger. She's young and hawt, you're just jealous. But, alas, I'm not rich, so this won't happen to me. *tears*

The one and only thing I have to look forward to, is grabbing girls in the Nursing home. I'd be too old and frail to get angry with, so the nurses will give me a pass. Too bad I'll be too senile to enjoy and remember what I did..........

*GASP!* With my luck, I'll have MALE nurses! *SOBS*

This is why there are "Grumpy old men," and "Crotchety Old Men."



Vice Girl said...

"Will you marry Prince/Princess Charming? No, then how about someone who you don't want to stab over and over again."

you know, it's actually pretty hard to meet anyone, male or female, who i don't want to stab over and over're setting the bar pretty high.

Ninja said...

Maybe one day, you'll meet someone you'd only want to stab once.